HAP Articles

Parenting in the Indian Context

Author: Lakshmi Kotagiri

Parenting is often conceptualised as a linear process in which adults mold children into responsible adults. In the Indian context, this has additional cultural weight: children are seen as carriers of family honour and their parents’ aspirations. Yet, contemporary thought leaders in psychology, such as Dr. Shefali Tsabary in A Radical Awakening, Dr. Gabor Maté in The Myth of Normal, and earlier, poet Khalil Gibran, invite us to rethink this idea.

They suggest that parenting is not about ownership or control, but about presence and mutual growth.

Gibran’s words remain strikingly relevant, even in today’s context: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.”

This truth disrupts the deeply entrenched Indian form of parenting, where children are often treated as extensions of parental identity rather than their own beings.

Gabor Maté emphasises that “trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” Unresolved trauma, whether neglect, emotional absence, or rigid expectations, lives on in the nervous system, shaping how adults later parent their own children.

Maté further observes: “The unresolved trauma of the parent is passed on to the child, not because of intention but because of unconscious repetition.”

This insight resonates deeply in the Indian context, where generational silence around trauma is common. Parents who grew up under authoritarian discipline often unconsciously repeat the same patterns, despite consciously wishing to “do better.”

In today’s India, children grow up juggle two cultural worlds:

• Globalised influences: English-medium education, Western shows and curricula that reward speaking out and critical thinking.
  
• Traditional influences: Hierarchical family systems, expectations of obedience and the equating respect with compliance.

This creates identity conflict amongst them. A young client once said: “At school I’m praised for speaking up. At home, I’m scolded for talking back.”

This reflects the psychological dissonance between the external validation of autonomy at school environments and internal family’s demands for compliance.

One client, frequently moved between relatives’ homes as a child, shared: “I never felt truly wanted, so I learned to please everyone just to exist.” This pattern, rooted in childhood insecurity, later reflected in her difficulty in asserting herself in adult relationships. Her parents’ own unmet needs for belonging had unconsciously shaped who she had become.

Another client described parents who demanded academic excellence while criticizing his “Westernised” behavior. Their own anxieties about cultural erosion and social standing became burdens that he carried throughout life, manifesting as chronic anxiety and identity confusion.

Both examples illustrate Maté’s principle: children absorb the emotional states of their parents. Parents’ unresolved trauma is thus silently woven into the fabric of family life.

Traditional views treat parenting as a project: parents “raise” children into adulthood. Several frameworks, however, suggest a bidirectional process. While parents guide children, children also serve as mirrors, reflecting back their parents’ unresolved wounds and rigidity.

A toddler’s tantrum may expose the parent’s struggle with emotional regulation. A teenager’s dissent may surface the parent’s discomfort with authority being challenged. A child’s unconventional aspirations may highlight the parent’s own unfulfilled dreams. Children, thus, often serve as reflections of their own parents’ traits.

As Dr. Shefali notes, “Children do not need us to be perfect; they need us to be present.” When parents embrace this, parenting becomes a test of their own growth - softening egos and cultivating patience.

In India, the entanglement between parental self-worth and children’s achievements is significant. Academic scores and social conduct are seen as reflections of parental success. This fusion is what causes unconscious cycles of trauma and conditioning.

Dr. Gabor Maté offers a way forward, “When we heal ourselves, we stop unconsciously passing our pain onto our children.”

Dr. Shefali’s framework complements this by urging parents to release control and approach children as independent beings. This reframing shifts parenting from an act of molding to one of mutual awakening.

Parenting in contemporary India, therefore, lies at the intersection of globalisation and tradition, individuality and collectivism, and independence and compliance. The challenge is not merely how to raise children but how to awaken as parents.

Gibran’s reminder, that children come through us but don’t belong to us, urges parents to let go of ownership. Maté’s insight that unhealed trauma carries forward through generations calls parents to do their own inner work. And Dr. Shefali’s vision that parenting is as much about raising ourselves as it is about raising children offers a path to transform parenting altogether.

In this reframing, children are not only growing under their parents’ guidance; they are simultaneously growing their parents into fuller, more aware human beings.

Peer Pressure: The Silent Shaper

Author: Bhavya Kapur

“I knew it didn’t feel right, but I didn’t want to be the only one who said no”.

It’s a sentence I’ve heard countless times from teenagers sitting across from me in my counselling room. And every time, I’m reminded of just how loud, and invisible, peer pressure can be during adolescence.

Growing up is a confusing process. It's a time when identity is still under construction, when friendships feel like lifelines, and when acceptance from peers can feel more urgent than breathing. And in the middle of all this emotional noise, peer pressure - subtle or direct - can shape choices in powerful ways.

When we hear “peer pressure,” we often think of teens being coaxed into drinking, smoking, or breaking rules. But it’s not always that dramatic or loud. Sometimes, it’s a look, a group chat, an inside joke you’re not a part of or laughing at a joke that doesn’t feel right, pretending not to care about marks when deep down, they really do! As a teen, the cost of exclusion can feel unbearable.

It shows up in silence, in small betrayals of self, and in the fear of being left out. It’s not always malicious - most teens are simply trying to belong. But in their quest for connection, they can lose pieces of themselves.

Developmentally, adolescence is a time of intense social sensitivity. The teenage brain is wired to value peer approval highly. Add to that a developing sense of identity and self-esteem that’s still shaky, and you have a perfect storm. Teens are figuring out who they are - but in the presence of peers, the question often becomes: “Who do I need to be to fit in or stay included?”

That’s why we see even confident kids sometimes making choices they later regret. Their need for connection temporarily outweighs their inner compass.

According to the surveys conducted by leading Indian research institutions 82% of Indian youths experience peer pressure in some form. Notably, 68% of young Indians admitted to making career choices based on peer pressure. This pressure extends to risky behaviours, as 75% of adolescents have experimented with alcohol due to peer influence, as per data from the Ministry of Skill Development and Entrepreneurship in 2022. Peer pressure exerts a significant influence, with a staggering 85% of high school students acknowledging its impact. Remarkably, 28% of those succumbing to peer pressure find themselves enjoying improved social status, underscoring the complex dynamics at play in the world of peer interactions.

These figures highlight that peer influence is not a rare or occasional occurrence - it is a daily reality for most adolescents in India.

While some teens will openly talk about the pressures they face, many keep it to themselves - either out of fear of judgment or because they’re not fully aware of the influence. As adults, we can learn to read the quieter signals. Subtle shifts in behaviour, mood, and social patterns often speak volumes about what’s happening beneath the surface. Signs a teen might be experiencing peer pressure could include, but are not limited to, sudden changes in clothing, language, or interests that don’t match their usual style; withdrawing from family or old friends; secrecy about activities or social plans; reluctance to share opinions; mood swings after time with certain peers; taking unusual risks; or expressing discomfort but still going along with group decisions.

So, what can we do - as educators, caregivers, mentors?

1. Normalize the struggle: Let adolescents know that the urge to fit in is human. There is no shame in wanting to be liked.
2. Teach assertiveness early: Practice scripts with them. “I’m not comfortable with that,” or “Let’s do something else instead,” can go a long way.
3. Encourage identity outside the group: Help them explore hobbies, passions, values - so their sense of self doesn’t hinge solely on peer approval.
4. Reflect, not react: When they make mistakes under pressure, respond with curiosity, not criticism. “What did that moment feel like for you?” opens up a conversation for reflection and self-trust.
5. Model it ourselves: Teens are watching us. When we set boundaries and stay true to our values, even in adult peer settings, it speaks louder than a lecture.

Peer pressure isn’t a villain. It’s a signal - that a young person wants to belong, to be seen, to feel safe in their social world. Our job is to guide them back to themselves. To show them that true belonging never requires self-abandonment.

And if you’re reading this as a teen, remember this: You don’t have to shrink or stretch yourself to fit in. You are enough, exactly as you are. The right people - the ones who see you, respect you, and walk with you - will never ask you to lose yourself to keep them.

From Playtime to Provocative: How Early Sexualization Affects Kids

Author: Tamara Nausheen

When my 10 year old first told me about ‘crushes’ the girls in her class were having, I was surprised. Admittedly I had been expecting it since most of her friends outside school are slightly older than her and also come from let’s say, differently ‘monitored’ backgrounds, but at the same time I felt a pang to hear my baby girl talk about ‘types’, or ‘drama’ and ‘looks’.

My little girl who was, until last year a tomboy, climbing trees and watching creepy crawlies fascinated and didn’t care if she was burnt to a crisp in the sun recently asked me what a skincare routine was!!! While this is all still normal and innocent, the fact that ‘growing up’ was happening at such an accelerated pace startled me.

So what is creating this environment for our children? While developmentally sexualisation is normal the question is are we growing our children up too fast, and more importantly what does this look like in today’s media-saturated world?

Children are exposed to age-inappropriate and sexualized content at increasingly younger ages. This includes the imposition of adult sexual norms, expectations, or imagery on children before they are developmentally ready. This phenomenon affects both girls and boys, though it often manifests differently across genders and can have lasting psychological consequences.

Sexualization becomes harmful when a child's value is narrowly defined by sexual appeal or behavior, when physical attractiveness is equated with worth, or when sexuality is imposed inappropriately. A comprehensive report by the American Psychological Association (APA, 2007) highlighted that children’s media from music videos and advertising to toys and social media often present distorted messages about sex and body image. Girls are especially vulnerable, frequently portrayed as objects of desire or encouraged to appear "sexy" rather than smart, strong, or kind. Boys, meanwhile, are often exposed to messages that associate masculinity with dominance and emotional detachment, and may also feel pressure to “perform” sexually at a young age.

The psychological toll of early sexualization can be profound. For girls, studies have linked sexualization with body dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. Boys may experience confusion about masculinity, emotional suppression, and risk-taking behavior to conform to sexual expectations. Both genders can develop distorted views of relationships, consent, and personal boundaries. Furthermore, sexualized environments may increase the risk of early sexual activity, exploitation, and sexual abuse.

Children who internalize these messages often struggle with forming a healthy sense of identity. Instead of focusing on interests, creativity, or friendships, they may become preoccupied with their appearance or sexuality, impacting emotional development and academic performance.

But before we blame the social media for this there other influencing factors to consider.

• Advertising and entertainment industries often blur the line between childhood and adulthood. This could be applicable to toys where gender stereotypes are encouraged.
• Peer influence and social circles where older children influence behaviours and thinking of younger children.
• Parental modeling and conversations (or lack thereof) around sex and self-worth influence how children interpret these messages.
• Home environment and societal messages regarding what is considered appropriate gender based behaviour, interests, dressing and choices.

What Can Parents Do?

Parents and caregivers play a crucial role in mitigating the effects of early sexualization. Here’s how they can help:

1. Media Literacy: Teach children to critically evaluate what they see in media. Discuss how ads, movies, and influencers often present unrealistic images or ideas.
2. Open Conversations: Create a safe space for age-appropriate discussions about bodies, boundaries, relationships, and consent. Normalize talking about emotions and self-worth beyond appearance.
3. Limit Exposure: Monitor the content your children consume. Encourage books, shows, and games that promote diverse, empowered representations of boys and girls.
4. Model Values: Demonstrate respect for self and others. Children often absorb how adults talk about their own and others' bodies and relationships.
5. Empower Through Identity: Help children build a strong sense of self based on talents, values, and interests rather than appearance.

So after I had recovered from my initial shock, I began to have regular and consistent conversations with my daughter. No topic was off bounds, but responses were age appropriate. When she asked about periods (because so many of her friends talked about theirs), she was satisfied with a simple answer of ‘our bodies are changing for what is required at later stages in life’. Her eyes glazed over with boredom when I started explaining about linings of the uterus and we moved quickly onto creating a period kit that she could take to school.

When she asked why she couldn’t wear make-up or watch certain shows I explained the importance of rhythm (a concept she’s familiar with because of her Waldorf schooling), and a respect for the natural order and course of things. We can’t force a flower to fruit early, or like you took time to learn to play the piano you need time to other things in life. We also discussed about how there is a right time for everything and how just like she needs to wait a while to vote, she needs to wait for make-up or that just because Nana is old it doesn’t mean he can eat junk food!

As a family we talk about attributes that set each other apart, and are noteworthy. As parents we try and foster a narrative that will become their internal voice. We talk to our kids about kindness, generosity, empathy and also about creating boundaries and insisting others respect them. We also are careful about our behaviour, words and priorities. Do we slip up from time to time? Of course! But that’s ok too.

We know that early sexualization is a complex, deeply embedded cultural issue, but awareness and (hopefully) proactive parenting can make a significant difference.

I’m hoping that by fostering resilience, critical thinking and a steady internal narrative of positive self-worth that isn’t derived from appearances and what is on the outside in my daughter, I will be able to help her create safety and strength for herself and navigate a world that often asks them to grow up too fast.